Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. How much did I even miss? Is the answer “a lot?” Because, seemingly, what I’ve missed is primarily WWE doing the same old routine and pissing off a huge chunk of their audience, thus resulting in them fleeing into their hibernation quarters (typically an air mattress in their basement where they can play Call of Duty) and climaxing with an actual alarming spiral of ratings that had to be publicly addressed by NBC. That’s like…that’s cataclysmic. It’s…it’s…inconceivable! Is WWE going under? Fuuuuuuuuck no. The phrase “too big to fail” comes to mind here. It’s kind of like how Batman vs. Superman is going to be a billion dollar movie, despite the fact that so many people are turned off to it because of the recent trailer. It really doesn’t matter, in the end. The movie will be huge because of the names involved, and that’s WWE. The brand recognition is so immense that a dip in quality just doesn’t equate to immediate failure. Alas, this also means that we, as fans, get to suffer through some really, really bad shows in the process. So, let’s get into this week’s Smackdown and see how bad things are on the B-show front.
Smackdown kicked off with basically watching all of Raw again with dramatic, royalty free EPIC music on it. Seriously. Jesus, WWE. Then we got the new Roman Reigns stable, which consists of Reigns, Ambrose, and the Usos. Roman and Friends.
Here’s a line from Reigns’ promo:
“The League of Nations can’t help Sheamus at TLC because I’ve got him one-on-one in a tables, ladders, and chairs match.”
Translation: “I have Sheamus in a match that allows unlimited interference without consequence, so therefore his stable can’t help him.”
The League of Nations cut in and Sheamus talked. He made sure to recap what Roman had just said to start his promo. Watching this show is like reading a book report by a middle schooler who didn’t read the book and they’re just repeating the same lines over and over so they can fill the 3,000 word stipulation.
“Dorothy was a girl. She was a girl from Kansas. Then she wasn’t in Kansas. She was in Oz. And Oz isn’t Kansas. In fact, Oz is way different from Kansas in many ways. Then she met some people, and they were kinda like the people from Kansas, but not really the same. Just sorta like them. That’s one of the things that separates Oz from Kansas. They’re so much different, you don’t even know.”
The New Day came out and made everything awesome because they always have hilarious things to say. Of course, the babyfaces just keep saying, “We wanna punch you guys.” They announced a match between Ambrose and the Usos against The New Day, where if Ambrose’s team can’t win then the main event is Roman Reigns vs. all four members of The League of Nations by himself. Because that’s what we need. Roman Reigns making four top heels look bad at the same time.
Tyler Breeze vs. Neville
*Dolph Ziggler was on commentary and the announcers basically didn’t talk about the match in the ring…at all. If you want to start looking into what could make the quality of these shows better, maybe discussing the actual matches would be a nice start. Once in a while there would be a big spot and they would say, “Whoa!” Then go back to talking about Ziggler’s friend circle. Even during one of Neville’s “I’m batshit crazy” leaps over the top rope to the floor it was, “Wow! What a move! Anyway, yeah, I played this new Pro Evolution soccer game. That was so cool. Eat Carl’s Jr,”
*The match itself deserved some attention because it was very good for the time that was given. Considering the talent involved, that’s not shocking. I am so over Neville mostly being fodder for someone who’s currently in a feud and needs a boost. He has a mini feued and a match here and there, but he’s basically relegated to being enhancement talent. This man’s matches are so fun, even if they’re only three minutes long. Complete waste of talent. AND that’s another thing that would improve the shows. Use you’re god damn talent.
*Match came to a finish when Tyler Breeze hit the Unprettier (still love the name of that move). Crowd was dead, since no one cares about anyone not in the main event, but the actual action was decent.
Winner: Tyler Breeze
Becky Lynch and Charlotte had a backstage promo where they talked down to Brie about her sister, then Charlotte was like, “I got you, Becky. I’m your bitch. I love you. I will carry your children to term for you. You’re my idol.” And we are like, “Aw, that’s so sweet. Too bad you’re going to betray her like a hundred times over the next few weeks and she’s going to be stupid and keep forgiving you…in the EXACT same storyline you just got out of with Paige.” Man, these ladies and their learning disabilities. Shit’s sad. I shed a tear for them. Maybe even two tears. But not three. That’s dramatic.
Brie Bella vs. Becky Lynch
*The announcers talked about the match on Raw between Charlotte and Becky…which is actually fine since they didn’t talk about it at all during the match on Monday night. And they talked about eating dinner with Ric Flair or something. I don’t know. Probably eats Carl’s Jr.
*Remember when I said Charlotte was going to betray Becky a hundred times? Here was number two, as she ran into the ring after being knocked down and cost Becky the match by DQ by beating up Brie. I especially love how the announcers act like they don’t know there’s a heel turn coming soon. “She’s just heated up. Been injecting like a gram of testosterone per week for like a month now, so she’s got a short fuse. Plus she’s got a terrible meth addiction and hasn’t had her fix all day. Trust me, Charlotte is still the good guy. She’s still best friends with Becky. They’re heading out to Carl’s Jr. after the show for a bite. You should too!”
Winner: Brie Bella by DQ
Miz tried talking Neville into letting him help him with his image and mentioned how he helped Daniel Bryan get to where he was. Just like he helped Alex Riley. Who was Alex Riley? You know. The guy on the preshows. That guy. Owes all of it to Miz.
Backstage Rusev promo. Didn’t listen to it. Lana was there. So everything basically goes on mute. Then she talked. Still muted. Something about Ryback being bad. I love that Rusev is sorta/kinda hanging around the main event now, since the company needs a bit of talent because of all the injuries and he should be up there. And I love that Lana and him are back together. Now I just want to love that he’s back to being an unstoppable killing* machine. And I want to love that Lana is my girlfriend. Wanting and loving are painful.
*I don’t endorse murder
The New Day vs. The Usos and Dean Ambrose
*I’m going to come clean here; I doubt anything can be as entertaining as the entrances of The New Day and the Usos. Matches be damned. Give me more of that.
*No. Don’t really.
*It was great to build these new stables. It gives me hope in the careers of the guys to have them closer to the top of the card. Guys like Rusev and Big E are guys that may break out and be bigger stars after this angle is over. However, isn’t it odd to create them right after Survivor Series? It’s like WWE is three weeks behind on their own storylines. And, maybe I’m nitpicking, but, this IS a scripted show and maybe just a little foresight and realizing the potential of Bray Wyatt as World Champion with his family to back him would have been a little…cleaner? It wouldn’t feel so rushed or sudden. I love the idea for The League of Nations, but the Wyatts were already primed for this position, had Bray been the one with the briefcase.
*The story of the match is the typical tag team formula, with Ambrose playing the hero in distress as The New Day picked him apart. Yes, it’s basically the only formula used for tag matches, but when The New Day does it it’s fine because their antics are some next level shit. However, it’s a strange choice to have Ambrose be the babyface in peril, since he’s the most over guy. The point is to build to a hot tag, so, logically, having Ambrose be the guy to take said pipin’ hot tag is going to result in the biggest crowd response. That’s pretty basic psychology, yo.
*Jimmy Uso got the hot tag, which led to a pretty crazy chain of events where all the guys were in and out of the ring. Bodies were flying all over. It was pandemonium. Women and children were fleeing the room in horror as the carnage unfolded before their virgin eyes. Such unbridled violence. Such mindless destruction. This was not for the faint of heart. These men put their lives on the line, but they knew what they had signed up for. Worse yet, their families back home knew that any day they could get the call that their beloved husband/daddy wasn’t coming home because he gave his life defending the WWE Title holder. It’s a sad, cruel existence that we all must accept in order to maintain our own liberty…to eat Carl’s Jr.
*I should be an announcer.
*Woods got a running kick on Jimmy after he tweaked his knee and got the pin. Fun match.
Winners: The New Day (meaning it’s Roman Reigns taking on all of the League of Nations alone)
Devon Dudley vs. Bray Wyatt
*R-Truth appeared on the stage after the Wyatt’s “BLAAAAP” jumpscare, and he was as confused as everyone else. The Wyatts came out after that and completely ignored what had just transpired. And that…that’s just fine. I want him to show up randomly all the time forever and then no one mentions they saw him. He basically is becoming Little Jimmy.
*The announcers talked about Tommy Dreamer (Ya know, the guy not in the match) pretty much the whole time. And by “whole time,” I mean like the full minute the match lasted.
*Basically a squash where Bray took out Devon with Sister Abagail. Not a great match, but for sure the way it needed to be booked.
Winner: Bray Wyatt
After the match there was a brawl where the Dudley Team went after the Wyatts with kendo sticks, leading to Strowman breaking it in half then all of the Dudleys(z?) being decimated. Also the right call. The Wyatt Family have absolutely immense potential to be a great thing and they’ve been squandered for a long time. Having Bray in Sheamus’ place and the Family to back him up…I shiver to think of how fantastic that could potentially be.
The League of Nations vs. Roman Reigns
*As expected, this was a really long time where Roman would get pummeled by the rotating team he’s against, then would hit one move, and instantly have his momentum killed. But, for whatever reason, the official kicked Barrett out of the match for interfering…but he was IN the match. Everyone in the earlier tag matches was in and out of the match, but they never got kicked out. This is an official making up rules for the sake of the storyline.
*Reigns mounted a comeback, disposing of Sheamus and Rusev so he got to pummel Del Rio for a minute. It wasn’t anything shocking or amazing, but I watched the match for too long without having anything to say about it. He got some spears and some punches and some clotheslines. Listen, I don’t love Reigns’ offense, but he looks like an ass kicker and he does deliver all three of his moves with a lot of impact and aggression. The finish came when he got into the ring and won via countout.
Winner: Roman Reigns by countout (because of course)
Despite giving some praise to Reigns, way to make your new top heel stable look like dog shit, WWE.
There wasn’t a beatdown to finish the show, since Reigns’ buddies came in and saved him before it got to that point. So…Uh…That’s anticlimactic.
What did you learn on this week’s show? Let me know in the comments because if you tell me via telepathy I won’t listen. There’s always Twitter @JakobDraper or Facebook at www.JakeDraperRulesTheGalaxy if you must not tell me in the comments. Until next time, don’t do the thing that you shouldn’t do. Or we can just meet up at Carl’s Jr. Your call…fatty.