Reviews

WWE Smackdown Review 10/15/15 by Jake Draper

Does everyone remember Breaking Bad? I mean, it was a pretty great show, in fact what I would personally claim to be the best show I’ve ever watched. It was only five seasons. Thinking about how much impact it made in those five seasons, it’s just remarkable. It wasn’t on for 27 years or for even ten years. It was on for five seasons that were pretty spaced apart. I actually watched the entire series while laid up on my couch in less than a month. What made it so great? The fact that every single episode was handled with the utmost care. You never finished an episode and thought, “Wow. They really phoned this shit in this week.” Everything on that show was meticulously planned and the final product reflected how much effort went into making a memorable experience.

Smackdown is the anti-Breaking Bad. WWE honestly doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the show, and they expect us to. If ever they do something unique that really works on the show, they redo it on Monday because they know no one cares, especially they, themselves. Things have been touchy this past month with everything in WWE, to a point where I haven’t cared to catch Raw at all in weeks and I imagine my viewing will remain where it is, with only THE B SHOW until January when they finally decide, “Hey, we should maybe put some effort into our own TV shows, eh?”

This week’s show kicked off with Roman Reigns. He had every intention of cutting another promo like he did on Monday when he was reminded by the crowd why he shouldn’t ever talk for more than two sentences. Bo Dallas, bless his heart, cut him off and was like, “No. Stop talking, bro. I got this.” I’m paraphrasing, of course. Bo Dallas is the only guy who can actually brag about getting his ass kicked because…well…that’s what he’s best at. Own that shit, Bo!

Bo Dallas vs. Roman Reigns

*I am so ready for this match. This is what WWE’s all about. Two guys who are about to go one-on-one and…nevermind. It’s over.

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Cesaro & Neville vs. King Barrett & Sheamus

*Cesaro got distracted and took ye olde Bullhammer to the back of the head for the heel victory.

*Me describing Barrett via emoji:

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Winners: King Barrett & Sheamus

I want to skip past the Summer Rae interview because it’s not like it actually served any purpose to the show, but I can’t do it. Mostly because of the last line, which went something along the lines of; “I can call this match down the middle because I am able to separate my personal life and my professional life…unlike SOME people. *Walks off like a bad bitch*”

Byron Saxton interviewed Dean Ambrose, which was hilarious for a minute until it turned into a blatant plug for Payday bars. I then boiled a pan of water and poured it onto my face because it was a lot less painful than watching Ambrose shill candy to me.

Kevin Owens vs. Zack Ryder

*I am so ready for this match. This is what WWE’s all about. Two guys who are about to go one-on-one and…nevermind. It’s over.

Ryback was sitting nearby for this match and chased Owens away at the end. I guess that’s a thing that you needed to know for the sake of continuity with their feud. Which is literally the only reason any of these three men were on the show. For ten seconds of, “Oh yeah, those two aren’t getting along well right now.”

Paige talked to Natalya backstage and told her she missed having her as a friend or whatever. I dunno. Vindictive Paige is vindictive. She’s a heel, but she’s the only one who doesn’t know yet? Something like that.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev (With Summer Rae as special guest ref)

*Summer wasn’t dressed as a ref. She went to a local Halloween store and found “Slutty ref costume” and wore it to work.

*The match itself played second-string to the story of Rusev and Summer because there was all kinds of fabricated tension. She counted fast for Rusev being pinned and comically slow for Ziggler being pinned, which, sure as shit, made Ziggler look god-awful since a superkick put him down for an apparent count of 8 billion.

*The actual action between Ziggler and Rusev would have been pretty damn good had it not been for the constant shenanigans that took place instead of an actual wrestling match. Rusev’s a brute and Ziggler is the kinda guy who would get visited by Mormons at home and sell them a horse before sending them on their way. (Cuz he’s great at selling, right?)

*A fast count from Summer gave Ziggler a win.

Winner: Rusev

I remember a time when Rusev didn’t lose for a year straight. The old days. Now he’s losing left and right all willy nilly. How the mighty have fallen, right? After the match, Summer tried sweet talking Ziggler but he was all like, “Nah, girl. You tryin’ tah make RuRu jelly and I don’t play dat.” Which is literally exactly what Lana did to him, but Lana’s way hotter so that was totally fine.

More interviews. I was afraid of Payday interference and spaced out.

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The Wyatt Family vs. The Prime Time Players

*It’s not that this match was…BAD. It’s just that it was clearly a match set up just to give the Wyatt Family a solid win over an established tag team. No real highlights outside of a cool neckbreaker from Darren Young and Strowman still being booked as a monster amongst insects.

*Oh, and the fact that ‘O’ Neil kicked Harper out of the ring and followed him to the floor so that Strowman could finish off his partner. I mean, that wasn’t a terrible idea or anything. Must have been awkward as shit in the ring.

Winners: The Wyatt Family

Charlotte vs. Alicia Fox

*I am so ready for this match. This is what WWE’s all about. Two girls who are about to go one-on-one and…nevermind. It’s over.

Winner: Charlotte

After the match, Team Bella attacked Charlotte and Becky Lynch but Paige made the save. She’s so crafty in her methods.

One of her methods was to *allegedly beat up Natalya backstage off camera (which, how the fk did that happen? Nothing gets by those cameras) and…assume Natalya wasn’t going to tell anyone…? Like, what kind of diabolical plan is this? Paige is never going to be a supervillain if she doesn’t start thinking ahead.

The Dudley Boyz and Dean Ambrose vs. The New Day

*There was a match, and not a lot really happened outside of the usual tag team affair.

*That is, until Dean Ambrose got the hot tag and went all kinds of bat shit crazy because he’s really, really good at it. He was flying around, carrying on like he don’t care about nothin’.

*The Dudleys hit Kofi with a 3D but Xavier Woods broke up the pin with the old “Trombone in the back of the skull” move that was made famous by J.J. Johnson. He called it “The Hard Bop to the Noggin.”

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*Seriously, if even one jazz enthusiast just read that last bulletpoint they are laughing too hard to finish this review.

Winners: The Dudley Boyz and Dean Ambrose via DQ

In a crazy twist of circumstance, the heels actually closed out the show on top as The New Day laid everyone out and stood tall. Yes, they’ve been impressively dominant lately, but Smackdown ALWAYS ends with the babyfaces overcoming the odds and yada yada yada everyone knows so I’m not going to rehash it.

Final Thoughts

I’m bored of wrestling because apparently WWE is bored of wrestling. Is it too much to ask that they put on actual matches? I mean, if I’m trying to decide what to watch and turn on their show only to see constant squash matches then what’s the point? I’m going to find something else to watch. They’re in need of new viewers, but, unless you watch every week, you’re not going to start now. There’s no reason to tune in for shows like this or like recent Raws because there’s no action. There’s a time and place for words and a time and place for shit to get real. I’m not going to watch Die Hard if they take out all the gun and fist fights and just leave the dialogue in. I want violence and destruction. And, most of all, I want these guys who have honed their craft and can do amazing things (looking at you Cesaro, Rollins, Rusev, and Owens) and they get stuck in the ring for three minutes to do their two “flashy” moves and then go back to the locker room. Give me something to entertain me, WWE.

Whatever. This is where I normally tell you what I learned on this week’s show, but this week, much like last, I have pressing matters that I must tend to. Go back and read previous reviews and then tell me what YOU learned in this review in the comments below or over on Facebook where you can stalk me at www.facebook.com/JakeDraperRulesTheUniverse or on Twitter @JakobDraper because any good cult needs followers and I can’t do this alone, people. Until next week, patrons of this fine establishment, I bid you adieu.