Here we are at the tail-end of yet another week. We all know what that means…another rootin’ tootin’ review of WWE Smackdown. And parties or whatever it is that you wild kids do nowadays. I write reviews and go to the gym in the middle of the night, but you do you and I’ll do me. Last week we had a huge review because I had missed a week and was sick of all the hate mail. None of it to do with missing the review the week before, just random strangers emailing me and saying, “I hate you and hope you get brain cancer.” People are rude. I assume it’s safer to do the review than not to.
Friday Night Smackdown(!) kicks off with like an hour of Monday Night Raw(!). I wasn’t going to touch on that, but it’s like the entire first half of the show so I guess I’ll put in my two cents. Why did they not promote Sting’s match on Raw in advance? And, since the match changed, why not announce the main event as Sting vs. John Cena to get people interested and set up a heel move on the part of The Authority where they try taking out both of Rollins’ opponents on Sunday by making them tear each other apart, then have Rollins and Show interfere? Wouldn’t announcing “Sting vs. John Cena” be a huge draw? Vince McMahon is firmly under the belief that people just channel surf in 2015 or something. Like we are just sitting in a recliner with the remote clicking through channels and say, “Oh, look, Sting is on. I guess I’ll stop here.”
Seth Rollins came down to the ring for a promo because that’s how every show starts off in 2015. He was super cocky about how he was going to face both Cena and Sting in the same night and beat them. Which…I’m still saying makes him the babyface since he’s got all the odds stacked against him to take on two much bigger and more established performers. He’s a fearless hero who looks like a supreme badass. Rollins is good on the microphone, but I wouldn’t mind hearing from someone else. He’s always got the long-winded promos on every show and I honestly just can only tolerate so much of one person on the show.
Rollins is teaming with Sheamus to face Ambrose and Reigns later, so Sheamus cut Rollins off since he’s got the Money in the Bank briefcase and could, potentially, cash on his own partner tonight. Haha. Cuz they’re going to have the WWE World Heavyweight Championship change hands on Smackdown. By a show of hands, who believes that’s going to happen? Rollins said he looks stupid…which the crowd agreed with…mildly. They’re not a great crowd, but Rollins is still the babyface here again. The rest of the promo was just them going back and forth. Maybe I was just tired while I watched it, but I wasn’t riveted out of my seat. I was mostly just like, “It’s neat that these two have never had issues before but they need to fabricate them for one night…then they’ll be gone again on Monday.”
Also, RTH stands for “Respect The Hawk.” Sheamus says so. I was thinking “Release the Hounds.”
Becky Lynch and Paige vs. Naomi and Sasha Banks
*I say it every week, but every time I say it there’s a better chance someone who matters will see it. They need to split these teams up and focus more on singles competitions. These constant tag team matches have worn thin and hopefully after Night of Champions things get rearranged. And hopefully the things that get rearranged are Nikki’s facial features. Via Chalotte’s fist. God, I should write promos.
*Sasha Banks’ offense is so barbaric. She’s like Brock Lesnar shoved inside of a tiny little body with all the aggression and high-impact moves but minus the cauliflower ear and penis tattoo. A Pocket Lesnar. Pock Lesnar. Brocket Lesnar. Brasha Banknar.
*Sasha and Naomi worked Becky Lynch over for a while, which is fine because it put Sasha on the attack. Paige eventually got the hot tag and it ended like a minute later with an inside cradle from Naomi on Paige.
*Paige is probably going heel, since the announcers are starting to acknowledge that she can’t win any matches. Combine that with the likely Divas Title win from her own teammate on Sunday, and I assume Paige will turn on her soon out of jealousy and start a new feud, plus split the teams up. Everyone wins.
Winners: Sasha Banks and Naomi
It wasn’t a great match because I’m bias and wasn’t ever going to rate it decently when I just don’t want to see the same thing every week.
Kofi Kingston vs. Devon Dudley
*The New Day had picket signs to picket the destruction of tables. One said, “Broken wood is no good,” and Lawler read it aloud, clearly alluding that he understood the implied innuendo and I just face-palmed so hard that I fractured my skull and now I have a concussion. Before the match they cut a promo about how destroying tables was destructive to Mother Nature and they’re starting a petition to save the tables. They’re so great. Consistently the most entertaining thing in this company and they keep coming up with more and more ways to stay great.
*There’s not much to say about this match, other than Devon was on offense, got distracted, then Kofi rolled him up for a quick, terrible win. Then The New Day ran off with the table so the Dudleys couldn’t have it. New Day’s entrance and promo were three times longer than the “match” and 500 times more entertaining.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
More Raw recaps. This time of Charlotte pinning Brie Bella on accident and Stephanie making it seem like she was doing the right thing by leaving the title on Nikki, but The Authority was cool with restarting the main event when things got convoluted. If that had been the main event of the show then they would have just restarted it to reverse the Dusty finish because that’s what they would do in any other instance, but because they needed the Divas Title record that AJ held broken by someone else they didn’t.
There was an official Raw Rewimd sponsored by Geico…even though they’ve had like ten already. You can’t just slap a Geico logo on something and claim it’s something new, WWE. You’re not fooling anyone.
Cesaro vs. Big Show
*See, here’s a prime example of the versatility of Cesaro. He’s one of the strongest dudes in the whole company, but in this match he was basically a high flying lucha wrestler to face the Big Show…but who happens to possess inhuman strength. He’s great. Plain and simple. In the WWE ring, he has no equal.
*Jerry Lawler’s Dad Joke of the Week: “Big Show is so big that he uses Google Earth to take a selfie.”
*The story was Cesaro working over the arm of Big Show while Big Show worked over the leg of Cesaro.
*The insanely disappointing ending came when Big Show got a KO punch for a clean win. Why is this happening? Is this proof that God doesn’t exist? In an atheist’s argument it’s like, “If God exists then why do kids get cancer and why is Big Show pinning Cesaro clean?” Then the other person is just left speechless because no god would ever let Big Show pin Cesaro clean in 2015.
Winner: The Big Show
Promo from Ambrose and Reigns about their new partner. Since they’re not dropping any actual hints about who it is, it’s safe to say WWE doesn’t even know yet and maybe by Sunday morning they’ll have it figured out. I’ll especially love if it’s someone from NXT and we’re led to believe that Ambrose can just call someone and be like, “Hey, want a job on the main roster? Just don’t tell anyone about it. It’s a secret job.”
Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler
*Both of these guys are really good and this is going to be a throwaway match that’s going to end in interference and that’s heartbreaking.
*Kevin Owens stomped on Ziggler’s wrist then started fake crying and saying, “Oh no! You’re wrist! You’re wriiiiiiist!” His trash talk is rivaled only by Xavier Woods.
*Ziggler’s comebacks are very good. He has so much energy. He hit a big DDT that’s literally never ever beaten anyone ever, but the announcers acted like it was nuts that Owens kicked out and put it over like Owens was invincible. Just like everyone else who kicks out of it.
*Owens hit a nasty fall away slam into the barricade, then slammed him into the ring post, then tossed him into the timekeeper’s area, then hit a superkick. Ziggler is the perfect man to take those nasty bumps, but holy crap is it ever brutal.
*It ended in DQ when Ryback came out and saved Ziggler. Strange booking, since both guys have a match on Sunday and making Ziggler look so bad going into that is a weird choice. But, I guess Owens is going after the IC Title so he’s in the higher profile feud.
Winner: Kevin Owens by DQ
Jerry Lawler plugged the Network with his cue cards. Because I guess WWE assumes that we mute him or something. They would assume correctly on most nights when it comes to me.
They showed some clips from the Bellas’ celebration, and I have no idea why. I didn’t know they were going to make a segment from it. I thought it was just, “Hey, we are going to celebrate…off camera.” This was a Tuesday night and they had to work. That’s irresponsible. Maybe the Bellas have problems. Moreover, maybe they had bad luck getting attendees to attend a party ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. Shit, you invite me to a party on a Tuesday and I’ll be like, “Nah, I’ve got to adult tomorrow morning.” You can’t just expect A-list celebrities to drop their lives for some fake celebration. It led to PCB making fun of her for being lonely. The Bellas are bad and they should feel bad. Also…
There are entirely too many hats shared between only two people here. It’s unnatural. You can’t just go wearing party hats all willy nilly.
The whole segment ended with the absolute worst acting ever from Nikki Bella as she got all mad and threw her cake. It somehow got on her teammates…but it’s physically impossible from the angle that she threw it from. I’m calling bullshit on her cake tossing skills being that on-point.
Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins and Sheamus
*The match didn’t even really get started and Sheamus got out of the ring and cut a promo about how everyone looks stupid except for him. For whatever reason, the ref didn’t count him out for that. It probably wouldn’t have been a ten count, but it still would have started a count technically. Refs are stupid.
*It’s matches like these that involve any combination of the former Shield guys facing one another where I’m so happy that I don’t do play-by-play reviews because keeping up with them is impossible. They have phenomenal chemistry, all three of them, and they always know exactly what to do, when to do it, and how to make it look good at an insane pace.
*Dean Ambrose, as per usual in his tag matches, played the babyface in peril as Sheamus and Rollins worked him over so that he could build the big hot tag to Reigns.
*Reigns finally got the tag and hit some big clotheslines and punches on Rollins. Because that’s what Roman Reigns brings to the table, folks. You go to a party with him at it and you see a bowl of punch on a table, and you say, “Roman Reigns is here. He always brings punch.”
*Rollins and Sheamus got into a scuffle, which led to Sheamus getting a Superman punch and then the Dirty Deeds DDT from Reigns and Ambrose respectively for the win.
Winners: Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose
The Wyatt Family has a good relationship with the video team because they somehow got a video package that showed them decimating Reigns and Ambrose to air on the big screen. The show ended with Wyatt cutting a quick promo about how whoever decided to team with them is going to get beat up or turned into a Swamp Thing or whatever.
Things We Learned on This Week’s Smackdown:
*Seth Rollins and Sheamus don’t get along on this one specific night because they needed some drama for the show and apparently there wasn’t enough.
*RTH does NOT stand for “Rake the House.” That would be super strange to see, so thank God for that.
*Sasha Banks is Pocket Lesnar.
*The Big Show pinning Cesaro clean is like if Jar Jar Binks was to kill Han Solo. It’s just wrong. It’s so wrong.
*Becky Lynch and Paige didn’t read any books on how to correctly wear party hats.
*I didn’t write a book on how to correctly wear party hats…yet.
*Best match of the night was Kevin Owens and Dolph Ziggler, despite the piss poor and very predictable ending.
*Roman Reigns always carries a bowl of punch wherever he goes.
There you have it. I did it. You did it. WE did it. We’ve made it through another review. I’ll be back in a week with the next one, but if you’re really going to die waiting then you’re in luck. My bearded brother-in-arms, independent professional wrestler/promoter, and cast member on last season’s The Amazing Race have a podcast where we review really crappy/cheesy movies and talk about them. Usually we find B movies like Sharknado or Swamp Thing, but THIS week we are reviewing Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies, which is the last film “Rowdy” Roddy Piper was ever in. I’ll have a post about that that you can check out right here on TJR if you want and it will have all sorts of links you can go to when I make it that far. Until then, hold yourself over by following me on Twitter @JakobDraper and on Facebook at www.facebook.com/JakeDraperRulesTheUniverse.