Well, hello there. Welcome to the most must-read…ya know…I’m skipping that. I don’t need to talk you into reading this. You’re already here. I got some hate mail because I missed last week’s review and, as with the other times I’ve misses it, I’ve come complete with an excuse: I was doing some stuff. Luckily, I’m here and I’m ready to review some WWE Smackdown so that as you sit on your toilet you have more to read than the shampoo bottle.
The show kicked off with some match announcements but a lot of what was being said was from Jerry Lawler, and I tend to just hear train whistles when he talks. We got the Wyatt Family intro right after that and, as I say every single week, the f***ing announcers ruined everything by talking all over it. It’s literally the exact same thing as finding a kitten on the road, the cutest and most adorable little white kitten with a pink nose and big, blue eyes that just pierce your soul to look into. You take it home, clean it up, get it some food. Then you realize you need to show all of your friends on Facebook, so you get out a lighting rig and lay down a soft, plush blanket for the beautiful kitten to lay on and just look cozy and soft and warm for the first time in its awful life full of hardships. Then you take a huge steaming shit all over it, snap a photo, and post it with a caption of some completely unrelated quote from Marilyn Monroe that she never said but for some reason it fits all of your pictures and I hate you. That’s what the announcers are doing. They’re shitting all over the precious, hairy, swamp kittens that compose the Wyatt Family.
We got a full sentence from Luke Harper, who is sort of getting lost in the shadow of Bray and Braun, despite being a phenomenal talent. Then Wyatt took over with a promo about how Roman Reigns doesn’t care about anyone and just wants to be the best and then began talking about how Ambrose is crazy. He went on by saying the two families will be at war for all time and brought Randy Orton into the fold. Hey, anything to make Randy Orton and Sheamus stop feuding is fine with me. I guess those two don’t like each other much or something. They finished it off by talking about how Jimmy Uso is in over his head because he has a match where he’s teaming with Reigns and Ambrose later. Way to ruin the surprise, fellas.
Cesaro vs. The Miz
*I got so excited to hear Cesaro’s theme, since he’s my favorite guy in WWE currently, but then they shit all over my kitten and had The Miz come out. Don’t mistake my Miz hate for hating the performer, as Miz is actually a talented guy. I just can’t stand his character. Not in the heel way. As in, he’s just someone that makes me want to turn the station. I don’t want to boo him or see him get beat up. I just don’t want to see him and he’s evolved to become more and more annoying over time.
*Cesaro’s mocked Miz by doing his taunts and hit a dropkick on him…WHILE he was on the top rope. That was impressive and this happened in the first minute of this match.
*The story of the match was confusing. Here’s a live-action version of how I wrote this point: “Miz went for the injured ribs..nope…delete…Miz went after the legs so he could lock in the Figure 4…nope…delete…Miz started attacking the head of Cesaro….nope…delete…Cesaro won. There’s no focus here, guys. Miz should have been attacking the ribs primarily, but he also wanted a leg submission to he switched his focus…which he then lost instantly. He was all sorts of ADHD up there.
*Cesaro did win with the Sharpshooter, which was nice because that doesn’t tend to lead to a lot of victories for him and the move definitely needs to be put over a bit more.
Overall, a short match between two guys who have much more to offer than this little throwaway stuff.
There was a promo where Reigns was excited about teaming with his cousin, Jimmy Uso. Why weren’t they doing this to begin with? He’s actually a decent fit since it’s a feud built on “family.” I guess he’s not a big enough star in WWE’s eyes to hang with the rest of the guys regularly. Whatever. Jimmy has literally done nothing all summer so at least he’s in the ring again.
Now, if you go back and check out my previous reviews you’ll frequently see me endlessly complaining that they use Smackdown as more a platform to review events from Raw than they do to actually make it its own show. Well, if you hadn’t noticed from the lack of content I’ve been pumping out, I’m very, very, very busy with a few things in life right now and I completely missed Raw the past two weeks and relied solely on John’s Raw Deal to keep myself up-to-date on what’s going on. So, having said that, this week I actually found myself being a little bit thankful for the replays because I was genuinely in need of them. The entire thing makes so much more sense when you look at it from a different perspective. I mean, yeah, I’m going to go back to complaining about it as soon as I finish up all of my other work and can watch both shows again, but not because I truly believe they’re so bad but instead because I like making angry rants about stuff.
Paige vs. Sasha Banks
*I guess Sasha Banks is trying really hard to be a villain/heel, but everyone loves her. I like Paige a lot, but Banks is just on her own level in the women’s division. This match will probably be a few minutes long and have some sort of shady finish and that’s sad since both of these girls are way, way too good for such treatment. Though, I will go ahead and say my love of Paige has faded a bit due to her overexposure. She’s got to be on everything WWE does now and she comes off as a really annoying, really hot girl at times. Plus her addition to Total Divas is like if The Undertaker was to join the Spirit Squad. It’s just completely against what she’s supposed to stand for.
*The ref ejected all the other girls right away before the bell and that was a relief. The Divas need more one-on-one matches and need to drop these teams as soon as possible. I have to believe that WWE knows this, which is why I think Charlotte and Nikki Bella’s match on Raw is going to set up a dissection, most likely on the part of “Team PCB” costing Charlotte the Divas Title. That’s a catch 22, since then we get what we want at the expense of Nikki Bella breaking the record for the longest Divas Title reign. Then again, who cares? It’s not like it’s the WWE Title that has a lineage stemming back years and years through generations. The Divas Title has only been around since 2008, which means that Bruno Sammartino’s reign of over 2,800 days was actually longer than the entire existence of the Divas Title as of now. This whole “Nikki can’t break the record” thing is really not terribly important.
*Booker T on commentary again now that Tough Enough is over, and he actually had one long mumble during this match and I have absolutely not the slightest god damn idea what he said for like a full minute of slurred nonsense. His insight is usually awesome and I loved him during his peak, but his role at the announce table is so awkward at times.
*The crowd was very split on this match, wanting to cheer pretty much whatever either girl did. This is a sign that they’re ready to take these ladies seriously.
*Paige faked an injury (which further makes the heel/babyface dynamics of this whole thing confused) and that led to things actually getting really intense between the two of them when she attacked Sasha and tossed her into the barricade. This was some FULL FORCE IMPACT stuff.
*As predicted, there was never going to be a good match here. Things started getting intense between the two of them and then all the Divas involved in the “Revolution” aside from Team Bella flooded the ring and there was a huge brawl. It was fine, but I want to see more than cat fights from these girls because they have more to give to us. Things always break down so they can get all the girls involved with everything. It’s like if they have a total of ten minutes allotted to them for a show and they split it nine ways, well, that’s not much time for them to shine at all and no one looks good. But, devote those ten minutes to one or two of them at a time and see how much better things go. There you go, WWE, shittin’ on kittens again.
Winner: I have no f***ing clue. No contest, I guess
Overall, it was a match that they need to do again in the future without shenanigans to protect both of them.
The Raw replay showed pretty much most of the main event, and all I saw was a whole slew of reasons in about 30 seconds to love The New Day. My time away from WWE didn’t make me miss a whole lot, but I absolutely missed The New Day. Their act won’t work as a babyface faction, but seriously, how can anyone hate these guys? Xavier Woods plays his annoying heel part better than anyone I’ve seen in a long time. Miz needs to take some lessons. And then Big E. Don’t even get me started on Big E or else this review will be 40,000 words that you could just send him as a love letter. I’m so happy for all three of these guys because of how far The New Day has taken them as performers. Although I’m overly confused about why they needed to show almost the entire match and what happened after it. Did they not have enough content for Smackdown? I mean, I did say earlier that I was fine with some of these replays, but this was way excessive. It even showed the replays after the match. That’s replays within replays. We’ve crossed the Rubicon here. Things will never be as they once were.
At least I got to see Rollins’ precious statue destroyed. I say that, of course, as a joke. I guess Sting is going to be goofy Sting like he was in TNA and not brooding Sting like WCW? It’s 2015. I want Bale/Afflack Batman, not Adam West Batman. And he crushed a bronze statue? Does anyone know how hard bronze is? That statue was clearly made of chocolate. And, really, that’s an even BIGGER crime because it’s a huge chocolate waste. Sure, having Sting on WWE. Great. Superb. But THIS Sting? This is the Sting we get? And why would he put a Sting mask on it? Why not paint the Sting makeup on it? I mean, if you’re going to crush the thing then why not deface it first? The mask was just a blatant product placement because you can get that mask on the WWE Shop and painting your own face on Halloween doesn’t make WWE any money. The wheels of consumerism and commercialism keep turning and we, ladies and gentlemen, are the ones who pay the heftiest price.
Rollins said Monday was the lowest point in his career. I can probably make a list that disproves that, but whatevs. He acted like that statue was the most important thing ever, but it’s not a stretch to imagine WWE can get him a new one. It’s just chocolate. And he never even seen the damn thing. He literally never had possession of it. It was taken by Sting before he ever got it, then Sting just had it ever since.
F*** it. I’m still not finished. Who the hell is the villain at Night of Champions? Seth Rollins is in at least two matches, and potentially three. He looks like a supreme badass because he’s not backing down. He’s going in to face the guy referred to as the greatest WWE Champion of all time and someone whose f***ing nickname is “THE ICON.” These are legitimate legends, and Rollins is just like, “I’m not scared. I’m going to beat both of their asses and walk out with both of my titles.” This isn’t a villain. We are supposed to boo this man but how and why would we ever want to boo the guy who’s busting his ass with his head held high?
The New Day vs. Jimmy Uso, Dean Ambrose, and Roman Reigns
*I need to take a deep breath after that last rant, so having The New Day clap and skip down to the ring really did make things a little better. I guess the silver lining to them taking on this particular team is that the Wyatts will come in and prevent them from being buried and looking like crap, despite being the Tag Team Champions. I’m not saying they have to WIN the match, I am just saying they should absolutely look good in the match because they’re the foundation of the entire tag team division right now.
*It was fun to see Jimmy Uso back in the ring. He has a ton of energy and hopefully Jey is back soon so they can add that much more into the tag division. A heel Dudley Boyz (just accept that they’re naturally magnificent heels) against the Usos could be beautiful.
*Also, the combined energy of Uso and Ambrose is next level, and against the energy of The New Day it’s really that much better.
*Jimmy Uso took the beatdown because that’s the tag team formula and Woods shined as one of the best heels in the company as he became increasingly obnoxious. He’s so irritating and entertaining. He’s irritaining. Things are breaking down over here.
*Reigns got the hot tag after a little bit. It was a slow-paced hot tag, not quite as explosive as his normal hot tag sequences. Maybe he was tired or just wanted to seem stronger? I dunno. Ambrose should be the hot tag guy. He’s a nut case.
*The Wyatt Family attack came as Uso got the tag. After the lights came on he was on the stage with them getting choked out by Braum Stowman, then they went out again and he was just out on the stage.
Winner: No Contest again? Countout? What’s happening?
Overall, it was a good match with a lot of energy but the finish was never going to be anything else and it sorta hurt it for me.
I really hope the Christmas special this year gives us a version of Braun Stowman in all white named “Braun Snowman.” Please, WWE, I need this.
The Lucha Dragons vs. The Ascension
*They’re putting Stardust with The Ascension officially it seems, which is a good fit. It could be a really neat stable…er…UNSTABLE…amirite? Cuz…cuz they’re all crazy…nevermind. Don’t judge me.
*I’m a very big fan of the Lucha Dragons, but it’s hard to deny that they botch quite a few spots. I don’t really think it’s entirely their fault and more that the pace they set is maybe a little too fast for a lot of the guys to keep up with.
*The Ascension looked impressive, which is odd, considering how little they’ve mattered since debuting on the main roster. Suddenly they’re in a more high-profile position with Stardust and they are going to start winning matches. This is fine, I just think they should have been a bigger deal to start off.
Winners: The Ascension
After the match Neville came out to make the save for the Lucha Dragons. All three of the heels bailed because, despite a three-on-one advantage, apparently they’re scared of Neville. A potential Neville/Lucha Dragons team up could be some wicked shit, though.
Nikki Bella had a backstage promo. Luckily for me, I had a gun sitting near me and proceeded to blow my f***ing brains out because it was a lot quicker and painless than listening to her promos.
Charlotte cut in with some woo’s and basically told her that she’s taking her title. Hopefully, but, as I said in a previous rant, if she doesn’t then it might lead to better things in the end.
The Lumberjacks for the main event started coming down to the ring. It was an awful lot of guys who put on their gear and got completely ready to have a meaningful spot on the show, but they are just there for background visuals. Hey look! Zack Ryder on the main event! And, for the record, The Lucha Dragons were still selling the beatdown from the last match while they made their entrance, but they stopped a few minutes later. And the guys who beat them down were also near them and apparently they hate them so much that they…are willing to wait until a brawl at the end of the show before getting revenge. In fact, a lot of bitter enemies were very near one another here and just had to act like they were content with focusing on the Ryback/Rollins feud instead of their own affairs. Also, the Dudleys were there and I’m confused about why they didn’t further their feud with The New Day or have a match or anything because they’re obviously popular and should at least be on in a meaningful role.
Ryback vs. Seth Rollins in a Lumberjack Match
*Rollins tossed Ryack out pretty early in the match and none of the babyfaces attacked him…but that’s the point of this type of match. A minute later he got tossed out attain and all the heels jumped him and the babyfaces fought them off. Having a dissecting line between “good” and “bad” guys instead of having them be self-motivated makes for weird dynamics in situations like these.
*The Big Show knocked Mark Henry out, so the babyfaces came to his rescue as well. After a few more minutes of action the lumberjacks invaded the ring, which I guess should be a DQ since it’s literally the only rule of this match. Hey, at least they didn’t completely ignore the fact that there are a lot of mortal enemies in close proximity.
*In the ends it was Kevin Owens interfering and helping Rollins out for the win. Which is fine, since he is chasing Ryback right now.
Winner: Seth Rollins
From a storyline perspective, this was a fun match. It was a culmination of a lot of rivalries all in one place at the same time, and the win came down to hinging on Ryback’s rivalry since Rollins is feuding with two guys who are too high-profile to be on the B show. Not much actual wrestling between the two competitors, but, hey, it was fun.
What We Learned on This Week’s Smackdown:
*This week’s show had an awful lot of kitten shittin’ on it.
*The Miz just attacks his opponents all willy nilly and doesn’t even strategize. He would be the worst Clash of Clans player ever. Just dropping all his troops in one spot and hoping for the best. PHSH.
*The Divas travel in packs and we really need some lone wolves out there.
*Sting hates chocolate, which even furthers my opinion that he’s the true villain against the heroic babyface, Seth Rollins.
*Jimmy Uso got to do more than point and smile on this show. Instead he got to be beat up…by two different heel teams in the same match.
*Suddenly The Ascension matters because Stardust says so.
*Nikki Bella: The number one cause of my own brain damage.
*The heel/babyface dynamics of Lumberjack matches are awful. Every good guy is friends with every other good guy and every villain is friends with every other villain. It’s like there are only two stables in the entire company and they just split up randomly to take on members from the other stable.
Let’s move onto something fun and exciting. Next week, as in NEXT FRIDAY, my buddy/independent wrestler/bearded Bray Wyatt knockoff and I are reviewing a Roddy Piper film. There’s a voting thing on my Facebook at www.facebook.com/JakeDraperRulesTheGalaxy if you’re interested in adding your two cents into the matter. If you don’t already know, we have a podcast where we review cheesy movies and just have a bunch of fun with it. We’ve done Plan 9 From Outer Space and even had an interview with the guy who played Bob Saget on the Lifetime Full House movie. Next week we finally get to drag our love of professional wrestling into the show and you can check that out for yourself. While you’re at it, follow me on Twitter @JakobDraper.
Now I see why John likes plugging his work. That’s fun. This was a long review since I had some rants that built up for an extra week, so if you stuck around then congratulations! You made it all the way to the bittersweet ending where we must now, regretfully, depart from one another. Until next week, don’t post Nazi pictures on your Instagram and lose your job.