Oh, hi everyone. If you pay attention then you’ll notice how far behind on reviews and articles I am right now. I missed a bit while I was gone, so I’m going to do my best to be a little thorough with this review. I should be on a more normal schedule once again.
Smackdown this week starts off with our Money in the Bank contract holder, Sheamus. I’m actually angry that I just typed that sentence. To put it bluntly, the MITB contract is the one guaranteed push for someone that we get every year and this year they wasted it on a guy they could push at any given time without the briefcase. I’m actually contemplating getting a job as an airport security officer solely to tell him I need to further inspect his briefcase when he brings it through, then I’m going to put a dead fish in it. Take that, Vincent Kennedy McMahon.
Sheamus cut a promo about how he doesn’t look stupid and the briefcase he has is worth its weight in gold. He said that’s more than a million dollars. So…I couldn’t help myself. I went and did the math:
The briefcase weighs likely between 4-4.5lbs empty, but for the benefit of the doubt I will say 5lbs with papers in it. The price of gold right now is about $14,402.40 per pound. Which means that case would be worth $72,012 if it were made of solid gold. That’s a lot, but it’s a far cry from a million. Sheamus said he doesn’t look stupid? Well, guess what, fella, you can’t even math good.
He said some stuff about how no one will stop his climb back to the top of WWE, citing both Rollins and Lesnar as examples. Then Dean Ambrose came out and said he beat him Monday and will do it again. So Sheamus was all like, “Dude, whatever. Bring it.” Then Ambrose was like, “Oh, bitch, it’s gonna be brought.” But then Kane was like, “Hold on a minute, playas!” And set up a handicap match with him and Sheamus against Ambrose.
Sheamus and Kane vs. Dean Ambrose
*Watching this match and how weak it made Sheamus look in the first few minutes got under my skin. I’m not a fan of him holding the case, but for Christ’s sake, if you’re going to have him lined up for a push then book him to look a little better. They always do this with the contract holders and it’s ridiculous. Convince me this guy will make a good champion. It’s the same story as Wade Barrett. They won ONE match and the booking teams think that’s plenty to keep their momentum going indefinitely.
*It ended in like a minute when Reigns interrupted and got the DQ to help Ambrose…by making him lose. Wins and losses are irrelevant. Whatever. Better than a huge promo to open the show, but still feels like a waste of time.
Winner: Sheamus and Kane by DQ.
That led to them booking Sheamus and Kane vs. Ambrose and Reigns as the main event.
When they came back to the ring Paige was already waiting for her match. That made me sad because I wanted an extra minute of Paige just existing on my screen.
Paige vs. Brie Bella
*I don’t like Brie’s gimmick, but both her and Paige have some awesome ring gear. I notice things like this.
*Paige sells pain by looking like she might actually be crying. Always. And that makes me sad. Brie, stop it.
*Paige did a nifty little dive off the apron to take Brie down, but it wasn’t insane. Sometimes I wonder if maybe the Divas don’t have really awesome matches planned out, but just before they go out to the ring they get stopped by Vince and he says, “Hey, be careful out there. Don’t do anything remotely dangerous because I like your face and it costs me a lot of money to keep it like that.”
*Alicia Fox helped Brie win. Why? I dunno. I guess they want to tell a story about the Divas all siding with the Bellas, but it’s just not riveting television.
*I am probably wrong here, but I don’t think Paige has won a match since returning.
Winner: Brie Bella
I’m going to mention the recap of Kevin Owens powerbombing Machinegun Kelly because it’s magnificent. That man is my hero. I follow him on Twitter and I have no idea how anyone can not love him.
Oh, look, an interview with Owens. He talked about how it was Cena’s fault that he did what he did. I agree. Not because it’s logical, but because I’m bias. I’m not too proud to admit it. I literally had a heart attack when Cesaro interrupted the interview and challenged him. In case you don’t already know this about me, Cesaro is my favorite WWE performer. Owens is steadily climbing and isn’t all that far behind. As I type this I have to wipe tears away. I know Owens is going to win, but it’s the journey, not the destination that matters.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Bo Dallas
*SHUTUP. Bo Dallas is cutting a promo about how Lana dumped Rusev and then rebounded to Ziggler, who’s not a real man. Why is this guy only in squash matches on a normal basis? He’s so awesome.
*Dallas started off aggressively and I thought, “Ziggler will come back, hit two moves, then win.”
*Ziggler came back, hit two moves, and won.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
Rusev was angry backstage. Maybe he should stop coming to the shows if he gets this upset? I mean, it’s not like he’s there to compete or have authority. Why not go home and chill out for a bit? Sometimes I have to tell myself that I can’t add logic to professional wrestling.
My heart broke when The New Day came out and there was no awesome promo from Big E.
Xavier Woods vs. Neville
*Big E. yelling inspiration at Woods made everything better.
*The Primetime Players came out to sit at ringside and balance things out a little. That led to some brawling between the teams outside.
*The match itself wasn’t super phenomenal, but just having the Red Arrow in a match makes it worth my time to watch, and this one ended with just that.
For the record, I’m not at all a fan of The New Day losing the tag titles. I understand that PTP are being pushed, but the amount of sheer entertainment that comes from The New Day is far above and beyond what any other tag team can offer right now.
Seth Rollins came out to address the Brock Lesnar in the room. See what I did there? You see, the expression is, “Address the elephant in the room,” but I changed “elephant” to “Brock Lesnar” because he’s big and strong and has a weird ear.
I’m so excited for Lesnar to interrupt this promo and…oh yeah…scratch that.
Rollins opened the door to the house and a bunch of dogs came in and made a huge mess and ate all the food. Wait, no. That was an ad that interrupted my stream. Sorry about that. I thought WWE was getting all abstract on us there for a minute.
He actually talked about how he’s the future of the industry and tore down the crowd. A few “Justin Bieber” chants were back there. I guess he whines a lot and does too much with his hair. You know you’re a despised celebrity when WWE crowds chant your name to make fun of wrestlers. Rollins went on about how he realized that he has to beat Lesnar in order to cement his legacy because he’s beaten everyone else. Debatable, man. He said Lesnar didn’t attack him on Monday because he knew how dangerous he is and that it would have ended badly for him. Or it’s because it was substantially cooler that Lesnar has so much mystique around him at this point that his very glares can make a man quiver in fear and piss themselves. That’s power. Rollins ended it by saying he can’t wait to face Lesnar. Heels and their lies. Haha. I get that it’s staged, but Lesnar is a terrifying mountain of raging testosterone and various animal parts sewn together with threads from the golden fleece of Greek mythology.
Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro
*Sorry. All the drool from thinking about this match shorted out my keyboard.
*Cesaro did a crazy flipping dive out of the ring and into Owens, then followed it up with an uppercut. So. Much. Drool.
*Owens hit a spinning DDT after jumping off the top rope. Then used Cesaro’s taunts in the same way he uses Cena’s.
*I don’t even know what you call some of the moves Cesaro can do. He’s not a person. You can’t convince me that he is. I’ll call you a liar and then spit in your coffee when you’re not looking. I’m irrationally spiteful.
*Owen’s offense is pretty much in the same boat. The rolling cannonball move in the corner? Staged or not, that looks like it hurts like Hell.
*This match in a city like Chicago or London or Montreal would have blew the roof off the place with an extra ten minutes.
*Owens with a win with a pop-up powerbomb. I’m not angry that Cesaro lost. The man is an artist. Mark my words, WWE will see it soon.
Winner: Kevin Owens
Miz at the Movies segment? It was basically the writers sucking up to the box office power of The Rock for a minute, then he talked about The Big Show’s new movie. I don’t care. At all. However, Big Show cut a promo after Raw when the crowd was giving him the usual, “Please retire,” chant and said he would retire if the fans bought out his contract. The next day there was a Kickstarter set up to raise the 3 million dollars it would cost to buy out his contract. Hilarious. Rude. But hilarious.
They paid tribute to Dusty Rhodes when they came back. I wrote about it last week. It was actually the last thing I got to write before my life got chaotic. I was with a pretty large group of indie wrestlers over the weekend and none of them actually met Dusty, but every single one of them said that he had a huge impact on their style and their character. The bookers of the show said the same thing about how they booked. The reach that Dusty had was just absolutely insane. That’s a man who is leaving behind an immortal legacy.
Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose vs. Sheamus and Kane
*Remember when Kane didn’t talk at all ever? My, how the times have changed.
*The commentators kept talking about how Reigns is letting Wyatt get into his head and isn’t in the match entirely. I mean, he was in a good enough state-of-mind to save Ambrose earlier? It’s like they’re going to use this, “Reigns’ head is messed up,” angle only to make convenient plot points when they need them, but not at all to serve his character. Not my company, not my money.
*Ambrose and Reigns doing the double clothesline spot to Kane over the top rope is actually frightening. That dude is a rather large man of a mature age. One wrong bump and he’s gonna break his hip or his neck and end up in a wheelchair. Then Zack Ryder can push him off the stage. Zack Ryder holds a f***ing grudge, man.
*Dean Ambrose is selling the knee after (kayfabe) four days. This is significant because, at this point, you could run over some of the main event guys with a corn harvester and they’ll shrug it off within a few minutes. I remember when they used to book Triple H in title matches on Raw after some of his more brutal matches just because he was so disadvantaged. After 24 hours. That doesn’t happen ever any more.
*A pretty kinetic chain of events led to Reigns in the ring alone with Sheamus and Wyatt coming on the big screen to distract him, then, in the exact words of Jerry Lawler, “Sheamus kicked his head off.” Wouldn’t that be crazy if he did? I mean, that’s legitimate murder, but that’s the only way to take down Roman Reigns.
Winner: Sheamus and Kane
Wyatt wished Reigns a happy father’s day then disappeared, leaving Reigns in the ring with the photo of him and his daughter. Wyatt is either a child murderer, a kidnapper, or a pedophile. Possibly a mixture of all three. Point is, this angle reminds me of the billion other, “Let’s bring their real-life family into the story” angles they’ve done. They’ve always turned out badly, so it’s just time to stop.
Things We Learned on this Week’s Smackdown
*Sheamus’ briefcase will inevitably have a dead fish in it.
*Gold, while quite valuable, still needs to be in rather large quantities to make a million dollars-worth.
*Paige’s sadness is my sadness. She also is a loser. Which is also sad. Paige makes me sad.
*The thought of Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens dehydrated me. It was nearly fatal, but I found some Dasani.
*Vince McMahon quote: “Bo Dallas? More like…NO DALLAS! Am I right? But really, don’t ever let him do anything meaningful on my show, I don’t care how great he is.”
*Rusev is kind of a masochist, I guess.
*I did an AMAZING play on words that compared Brock Lesnar to an elephant.
*It was substantially less amazing than I am hyping it to be.
*Cesaro and Kevin Owens.
*Kevin Owens and Cesaro.
*Reigns is going to be mentally distracted. Sometimes. As long as the story calls for it on a given night.
*You know to follow my Twitter @JakobDraper, BUT DID YOU KNOW that I just joined Tumblr because apparently my ability to make fun of things is really common over there? You can find that at SuperSaiyanJake if it interests you. If not, well, go to Hell.