I don’t know or care what the intro song is to Smackdown. I don’t love it or hate it, but it gets stuck in my head for pretty much the rest of the night every time I do this review.
Michael Cole announces Smackdown is from London, which immediately means I’m excited for the show. Cena comes out. They clearly tried to kill off the “John Cena sucks” chants, but they couldn’t do it.
*It’s nice that John Cena got a full explanation of what a “Russian Chain Match” is. Seems like Rusev should be the one to explain the rules. But, whatevs. I digress.
*Next week I’m gonna take a shot every time I hear the word “Extreme” in some stupid pun. I’m going to be dead by the end and the review will just suddenly end and you’ll be like, “Is that all? Still better than watching Twilight.”
*I know the crowd popped for Cesaro and they altered it. It makes me bitter. Tyson Kidd and Cesaro are excellent. If I had to decide who the all-around best wrestler in WWE is then I would go with Cesaro.
*The opening segment is clearly leading to John Cena and Daniel Bryan against Kidd and Cesaro. Mind you, I don’t read the spoilers because it makes writing this a lot more fun. I want a legitimate feud between Cesaro and Cena. Cena can go, despite how much we badger the dude. In the ring with a guy as diverse as Cesaro we would see some classic matches.
*It’s so damn foggy in London. I’m waiting for Jack the Ripper to come out and kill one of the Divas.
R-Truth vs. Bray Wyatt
*Cole and Lawler, please shut the hell up when Wyatt’s doing his intro. You completely kill the awesome mood.
*I have headphones on, and I caught the “Wyatt” chants they toned down for the broadcast.
*Just a squash match for Wyatt, which is what he needs because he doesn’t have an actual feud right now.
*The crowd chanting, “He’s got the whooooole world in his hands,” was beautiful on ten billion levels.
Victor: Bray Wyatt
Mix vs. Bad News Barrett
*Miz claimed The Marine 4: Moving Target would be a success. I laughed for the rest of the show, went to bed, and woke up laughing still. Doctor says it has nothing to do with Miz’ claims, and that I’m probably going to die from it. Woe is me.
*Booking Barrett as a babyface in England is the only logical way to go about things.
*Having said that, it sure was great to put him in a three second match so the crowd wouldn’t get to enjoy their hometown hero.
Victor: Bad News Barrett
They did a “Raw Rebound.” I’m curious why they don’t just name Smackdown that instead.
*On the plus side, I get to comment on how ridiculous the booking for Orton vs. Rollins is. Rollins banning the RKO is a stipulation, I guess. It’s something. It’s a random rule. It fits Rollins as a character. Orton wanting a cage match? Why? Because The Authority can’t interfere? Orton…Orton Orton Orton…have you EVER seen a cage match? You basically are just saying, “I want to have a match with all the interferences ever.” After all these years it seems like someone would figure this nonsense out.
There was a promo between Mizdow and Miz to announce another match on Monday with the winner basically getting Miz’ gimmick. I hope Mizdow wins just because I want to see what Miz does. He just comes out in white trunks to no music and no announcement. Then he wrestles without any moveset. I dig it. I also think Miz said, “Nobody does me better than I do me.” Haha. Masturbation is funny. Why isn’t this match at Extreme Rules? Because WWE doesn’t care about it. (Note from John: Miz is going to film a WWE Christmas movie, so may not be able to be at Extreme Rules, but that “doesn’t care” point may be valid too!)
Sheamus vs. Neville
*Sheamus cut a promo about how in Ireland they don’t like the English. That’s racist, Sheamus.
*So sad that he didn’t say, “We don’t take kindly to your kind around here.” I wish I wrote for WWE. I would fix this.
*Neville is absolute pure entertainment. He’s made an amazing impact since his debut. Yet, he doesn’t have an actual feud yet. He is just having matches on the fly, and this week it’s because Sheamus kicked him last week and he’s angry. That’s not a feud since next week they’ll forget it.
*Sheamus did some form of a suplex where he just dropped him. Was it a botch? Probably.
*Sheamus yelled out, “Are you not entertained!?” and he’s suddenly my favorite superstar of all time. Why doesn’t everyone in WWE yell that every time they’re in control of a match?
*The blend of styles in this match really worked for me. Sheamus works well with high-flyers.
*Neville didn’t need to win the match to go over. I was thoroughly impressed from bell to bell with everything he did. This man’s future is as bright as the sun. Not our sun, but a red sun from another galaxy. Those are brighter.
*Neville did technically win by DQ, and I’m actually fine with it. It made both of them look good.
*Sheamus kept beating on Neville after the match and Ziggler made the save. I love when someone leaves the ring and it’s like there’s a magical force field that prevents them from being chased.
*Sheamus announced him and Ziggler in a “Kiss Me Arse” match? I used a question mark because…because. I don’t think they’ve had one of those since Rikishi days, and it’s completely out of left-field with this feud. There’s not been a single segment between them that would remotely lead to this stipulation. I’m confused. You’re confused. We are confused together.
Victor: Neville by DQ
They showed a shot of the London Bridge. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t falling down at all.
New Day vs. Los Matadoras
*I wish all the lights in every WWE event were hooked to clappers. Oh, the hilarity it would bring when New Day turns them on, just for the crowd to turn them off.
*The most entertaining part of the match was New Day’s overreaction to winning the match. They’re actually a really nice blend of talents that are fun as a heel group. Give them a little more faith than a throwaway match.
Victor: A New Day
Big Show cut a promo about how no one can stop him in the world, but also mentioned Brock Lesnar’s name in the same promo. Remember that time last year when he completely destroyed Big Show? I guess Show forgot though. Pepperidge Farms remembers. It led to Show talking about how he beat up Roman Reigns a bunch with even more Raw replays. Roman Reigns Raw Replays. Say it five times. I kinda spaced out because the promo kept going on. He announced his match against Reigns at Extreme Rules in a Last Man Standing match. I’ll go on record to say that’s a good way to book Reigns to help him get over with the crowd.
Natalya vs. Alicia Fox vs. Cameron
*They tossed Cameron out pretty early, which means she’ll probably win. But Alicia Fox is actually quite athletic and Natalya is just a really good worker.
*I understand the in-ring psychology of having one person get thrown out of the ring so that it can be one-on-one, but once you realize that they’re doing it to simplify the match it gets sorta annoying.
*Ready for this sentence? Natalya powerbombed Alicia Fox who was simultaneously suplexing Cameron. That…that was awesome. It reminded me of a Cesaro spot. Is that coincidence? Considering how closely Natalya has been working with Cesaro lately, probably not. Very nice, ladies.
*Cameron won. I knew she would because she’s in the midst of a Divas push. Why is a Divas push different from a regular push? Because they last for two months. They lead to a Divas title match, then a rematch, then it’s over and they drop to the bottom of the card.
Fandango vs. Adam Rose
*Here’s a match between the two most gimmicky gimmicks in the company. The crowd doing their theme music was more fun than the match.
*Fandango stole the win. I have no idea why I like him, but I do. Give him mic time because he’s hilarious when he’s allowed to do his thing. He reminds me of Sancho from the movie Orgazmo. I promise that’s not a porno, it’s just a movie that’s about porno. Go watch it. Without children around.
Bray Wyatt promo. Who’s he talking about? We have no idea and I doubt he does. They’re just trying to figure out his next feud and acting like they already know. They don’t.
Daniel Bryan and John Cena vs. Cesaro and Tyson Kidd
*Before this thing even gets rolling, I just want to say that this is a magnificent main event.
*Cesaro and Cena in the ring is a good matchup. The strength of both dudes is unreasonable. The “big guy” match that WWE usually pushes is stuff like Ryback and Big Show. These two can throw some dudes around more realistically than anyone else.
*Cena played the babyface in peril for the most part. That led to Cesaro and Kidd getting to hit him with a lot of their unique offense. Kidd and Cesaro look like a very smart heel team in this match. They work together very well.
*Cena’s awkward dive to tag in Bryan for the hot tag. Make that a GIF and send it to me on Twitter @JakobDraper. Right now.
*I hate that stupid Go Pro in the ring posts, but watching Daniel Bryan do a backflip off of it was pretty gnarly. I’m not too proud to admit it.
*I know Bryan is having some health concerns, but good Lord is he a magnificent performer. Nobody has the connection that he has with the fans. Everything he does gets the biggest reactions I’ve seen in years.
*Tyson Kidd accidentally ran into Natalya, so Cesaro caught her. That was funny, but watch the match for the next ten seconds after that while Cesaro waited for Cena to get in position. He just stood awkwardly holding Natalya.
*Bryan got the win with the Yes Lock. That’s not very common any more. He usually gets a pinfall.
Victors: Daniel Bryan and John Cena
I know I picked it apart a bit when it came to the logic, but that’s just because it’s impossible to ignore some stuff. However, it was a good show.
Sheamus and Neville had a really good match and the main event was extremely entertaining. Bryan didn’t take any bumps really, in case you were wondering. Cena took most of the offense and he tagged in for the finish. It’s scary to hear that Bryan may need some recovery time for his nagging neck injury although other reports say it was a concussion.
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